excerpt from a Pablo Neruda poem
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
Primary and Secondary Reflections on a Fake Smile
*This is a paper I wrote for Philosophy 101.
A feeling of overwhelming senselessness and monotony often grabs me by the neck as I go about my daily activities. Fortunately, this endeavor gives me the opportunity to shed light on one constantly repeated and oftentimes ignored minor experience and to stop and ask, “Why did I do that?”
To clearly define what I mean by a fake smile, a narration of an experience of mine in one extreme of the said action is necessary.
The dormitory population inside Ateneo is quite big but there are numerous social activities held for dormers to get to know each other. As is the case, and through gossip or direct observation, there are no nameless faces amongst us. One is bound to know everyone else at least either by name, by face, or by both. Moreover, it would seem that the closed structure of a dormitory building and the communal nature of the facilities would warrant an occasional exchange of hellos and smiles between the residents. For instance, CERSA walk, the stretch of pavement connecting the dormitories to the main campus, is an example of an area where hundreds of dormers walk past other dormers everyday, in between the hustle and bustle of classes and other activities. It was that time of the day when the sun was in full blast. Naturally, I was feeling hot and sweaty. I was on my way back to the Eliazo dormitory, having come from Math class, where I had just received my undesired results to the last long test. Not only was I depressed because of this, I was experiencing a slight fever after having gone through a series of nights with only a few hours of sleep. To top it all off, there was still so much more I had to do for school. All these depressing and stressful thoughts were in my mind as I traversed the road leading to CERSA walk. A weary feeling came over me as the influx of familiar faces rushed towards my direction, on their way to class. Despite the throbbing headache, despite the feeling of hopelessness, despite the burning heat; I forced tired smiles coupled with weak nods towards each fellow dormer, as each one neared by a determined distance.
I now focus my attention, apart from all the gestures that were involved, on my act of making that fake smile. To understand a fake smile, one must first look at what it means to make a genuine smile. A genuine smile is made when a person, moved by his inner feelings of joy, and without any form of premeditation, performs the act of smiling. In contrast, a fake smile, as illustrated in my experience, is a smile which is not naturally elicited by one’s inner feelings such as joy or happiness. Therefore, this particular smile is detached from the performer’s thoughts in the sense that it is different from, often completely opposite a person’s thoughts at that moment. One might question the stated difference between the fake and genuine smile by arguing that the mere presence of the person I had just smiled at elicited a feeling of mild surprise, of delight at precisely this mere presence, which in turn caused me to smile and hence, makes any smile, in that respect, genuine. It is important to make the distinction however, that only the performer of the smile, myself, can judge whether the smile is fake or genuine. In this case, given the definition above, I can say that what I had made were definitely fake smiles because upon seeing a familiar face, I was not overtaken by an overwhelming sense of joy. In fact, the series of smiles I had made were accompanied by a feeling that what I was doing was habitual, mechanical and just plain obliging.
Looking more closely at the disparity between what I had been going through at that moment and the reasons behind what can be called a genuine smile, the irony is evident. The smiles, the supposed reasons for a genuine smile, do not accurately mirror my feelings of exhaustion and sadness and yet I still made the effort to manifest a smile. Also, I have always believed myself to have an aversion towards things that are not done with the truest and sincerest intentions. And yet, why did I put on a phony smile? The initial and resolving purpose for reflecting on this experience is now clear. I intend to conduct an investigation to bring light to the reasons behind the discrepancy in my own actions. If I wish to do this, then perhaps the way to go about it is to make a list of possible reasons for those fake smiles.
Going back to that experience, perhaps I smiled because I had been socialized into a culture characterized by people with cheerful dispositions—always jovial and so, always smiling. The motive then for smiling is a product of my immersion in a culture where it is normal for acquaintances, even strangers to smile at each other. To a certain extent, this practice is even expected of people.
In addition, I might have felt obligated to smile at someone because I did not want to upset him her. Oftentimes, conflicts and misunderstandings arise between two people because one fails to smile first or one fails to smile back. With this understanding in mind and knowing that I am someone who tries to avoid displeasing anyone; quite possibly, I had smiled only because I did not want to upset the person who was expecting a smile from me.
I have also been perpetually labeled by other people as maldita. The fear of having this particular impression of me on other people has certainly put pressure on me to exaggerate the manner by which I smile every chance I get. The pressure can sometimes be so great that to a certain extent, the smiles I make are often unnecessary. This could be another determining factor behind the operation of the fake smile.
So far, what has been done is to see the act of smiling in light of certain environmental and historical factors. The act of smiling can be deduced to be a product or a result of a confluence of any combination of the mentioned factors. It seems that this analysis is inadequate because the act of smiling has been removed from the performer, who is myself. Indeed the factors mentioned are “contingent, relative to my [the] inner self” but they do not reveal the underlying interior of my person which is essential to understanding the experience. It is necessary to go back to the “entire field of original experience” by putting the object, the act of smiling, back to the self, myself; and by seeing this act of smiling as my smiling.
It is necessary to venture into the realm of secondary reflection to recapture the unity of the fragments of my experience scattered by primary reflection that at the outset, was oriented like a scientific investigation. I must therefore go back to the phenomenon of the experience of making that fake smile and answer the question, “In totality, why was I impelled to make that fake smile?”
To help me in answering this question, I see that it is crucial to inquire first into the essence of the fake smile and then later on see its relationship to myself in totality. This breaking apart of the reflection into parts does not contradict the quintessence of secondary reflection because these parts still “lie in the context of the totality” of my experience. What then is the essence of that fake smile? The essence is the meaning behind the smile. I smiled to another person to convey a certain meaning. Without the smile’s meaning, the smile ceases to be a smile and is just reduced to a mouth with slightly upturned corners.
But, precisely who gave the smile its meaning? I did. It was my smile. What was the meaning I wanted to convey behind my fake smile? Can it not be argued that since my smile was perceived by me as “fake,” then definitively there was no intended meaning behind my smile? Does not the fact that it was “fake” presuppose that the smile was essentially meaningless in the sense that I did not intend to put a meaning behind it and therefore no meaning was conveyed to the recipient of the smile?
However, we know that there is no such thing as just a thing in itself. There is no smile, even if it were “fake,” as just a fake smile in itself without any meaning. According to Husserl, “every conscious act intends something” and “its very essence is to form meaning, to give meaning to the object." My consciousness as a subject and the conscious act of smiling was there to give meaning to the smile. Nothing, not even a fake smile can exist without meaning because of my presence, as the I, the subject who gives it meaning.
To finally arrive at the meaning behind the smile, I must first recognize that the smile is both objective and subjective. A smile is subjective because as stipulated in the previous paragraph, the meaning behind it is contributed by the subject, the I. The smile is also objective because inherent in it is that which elicits the meaning I give to it. In my particular experience, the “fake” or the half-baked smiles I gave showed not only that I as a subject gave my smile a meaning, but also that the people I smiled at are also subjects, capable of associating a meaning to my smile. The act of my “fake” smiling therefore affirms the subjectivity of myself and at the same time the subjectivity of others. My fake smile, in contrast with the genuine smile, did not involve the manifestation of my happiness towards the recipient of the smile because as established, these feelings were not included in this exchange. The meaning of the “fake” smile is for me, a way by which I can make manifest the recognition that others exist by acknowledging their subjectivity. My “fake” smile therefore was really a genuine smile in so far as I contributed and intended this meaning for it.
As a final note, more than recognizing the existence of others, my being as subject is not only in relation to my smile but also in relation to other subjects—the notion of “to be with.” The smile marks the beginning of sharing in the subjectivity of other people. The act of my smiling, as an action done towards other subjects can be seen as a profound invitation given to another to begin to appreciate me, or any other I, as a “self-revealing plenitude,” a self, knowable only as a subject, an “I,” as a someone who can be “personally encountered in dialogue.” Extending this idea, a simple smile, regardless of its underlying complications, can mark the start of the beautiful dialogue of friendship.
And even though it has been a while since I had reason left to smile, I still do; if not, only to take delight in the genuine unfolding of my humanity every now and then, as I strive to give meaning to the world and to others.
Philosophizing on Studying
I got this from my friend Ice. She says her Philo teacher read this to them in class. It's a little corny but it's consoling especially when your head hurts from all the hours of sleep you've forgone and when you're so stressed from schoolwork that you feel dehumanized. :D
"Why all this fuss about studies? I think it's not just about learning new things or getting high grades. I think, ultimately, its value lies in the fact that slowly and subtly it forms us to be more loving persons, to patiently sit down even if nothing is registering. to sacrifice tv and gimmicks in order to study, to give our whole self to that which is asked of us without counting the cost, to love even that which is difficult to love. do we not love then when we study? we surely do. and only when we actually love can we harness and expand our capacity to love.
Death Schedule
Yipee, one would favor the death sentence over this death schedule:
My Death Schedule (Thanks to Jeff Chan for coining this term.)
Sept 29 (Thursday): History LT4
Oct 1 (Saturday): OR LT4
Oct 4 (Tuesday): Philo Oral Exam, Finance SB
Oct 5 (wednesday): Pol sci LT2
Oct 6 (Thursday): Finance SB
Oct 7 (Friday): Stat Quiz4, Finance LT3
Oct 8 (Saturday): OR LT5
Oct 9 (Sunday): History Term Paper
Oct 12 (Wednesday): OR Finals
Oct 14 (Friday): Stat LT4, Stat Problem Set
LT = long test
OR = operations research
SB = schools brief
Bunso and Sinta
Watched Ditsi Carolino's documentary entitled "Bunso." Quite the heart-wrencher. It was set in a prison in Cebu so I felt closer to it than the director might have intended. Carolino is an excellent filmmaker because of both her creative genius and her focus on social issues. Maybe I should think twice about shrugging off those small boys who knock on the car window near Gaisano Country Mall.
I watched the Dulaang Sibol play "Sinta." It was fantastic. Don't remember much of the lines that were repeated throughout the play though. Memory seems to be failing as I grow older. It went something like this:
Alalahanin, gunitain, kahapon natin ay sariwain.
It talks about the illusion of love and the disillusionment that follows. I finally saw the legend, Pagsy. For a 78 year old man, he was so energetic. He comes to life just like his plays do. It was my first educational theatre experience.
Break Time
Wheeee! No classes again! I'm taking advantage of the little break time afforded to me by attempting to post something here.
We just had our second long test in Stat. It wasn't as hard as the first one. I do hope I will pass. Sometimes, even one week or more of studying won't help you make the cut. *crossing my fingers and praying* (Dumb moment: While applying the CDF technique, i forgot to find the joint pdf and double integrate the darn thing! Argh, already encountered that in the past and I forgot to do it!)
I did a little shopping today. Hehe. I promised myself I wouldn't shop for this whole semester because I wanted to save up some money. But, the shirt.. the shirt was just too gorgeous to pass up!!! *guilty*
I still have to read up on Finance. 6 mind-numbing chapters is not a "walk in the park" read. :(
Ynna (to Kri2x): Basin wala daw klase sa Monday!
Kri2x: Why man? Aww o! National Heroes' Day! Thank God for heroes. (Haha)
*
I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us.
I'm not bitter anymore because I know that what we had was real. And if, in some distant place in the future, we see each other in our new lives, I will smile at you with joy, and remember how we spent a summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love.
The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that's what you've given me. And that's what i hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you.
-Noah, The Notebook
Crisis Schmisis
Listening to: Travis - Side (it makes think about the grass being greener on all the "othersides" outside the Philippines)
This time, I did a reflection paper on GMA's State of the Nation Address using Ateneo's reflections on the CBCP (Catholic Bishops' Conference of the Philippines) statement as a framework for analysis. (What?) I for one think this paper I did is really crappy because I did the actual writing only a day before the submission date. There's a lot of crap circulating everywhere anyway so what the heck? Here it is.
Reflections on the SONA
The State of the Nation Address given by President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo last Monday, July 25, 2005 had conveniently come at a time of a national political crisis; when all people were searching for were answers to the mounting questions that the President has deliberately remained silent on for quite some time. However, many of those who were expectant experienced disappointment as the President, in all suitability, refused to touch on the political crisis hounding her at the moment, and instead used that as a general springboard for many of her proposed reforms.
She cited many of her achievements in the past year in economic reform, in international relations, and in the fight against terrorism. She contrasts this with the other face of the Philippine republic; that whose political system has become somewhat of an obstacle towards further progress. She calls for a Charter change, recognizes that the decision is not entirely up to her, but nevertheless suggests a Constitutional Assembly to consider shifting to a parliamentary and federal system for our country.
The outcome of the State of the Nation Address, for me, is a critical indicator of the President’s ability to effectively govern the country. The content of her speech and the manner by which the country will respond to it will show how capable she still is in providing direction and implementation to national policy and how valid she is as the Head of Government and Chief Administrator. The President’s commitment in refusing to let the political instability interfere with her role in day-to-day governance is unwavering, to the point that it is admirable. Calls for her to resign in the past clearly came from the conviction that the crisis had completely eroded her ability to effectively govern the country. However, aside from some senators and members of congress who purposely did not attend the SONA; the huge applause, the numerous standing ovations, and the support she got from the members of the Senate, Congress, Local Government Units showed an atmosphere of confidence in the President’s ability to govern. The SONA was indirectly a way by which the President could claw her way back little by little to the level of trust and credibility she once had as a political leader.
The whole of the State of the Nation address was geared towards putting the political crisis aside. However, the President had many subtle and vague references to the crisis with the following statements: “whatever the political cost,” “overcome the tendency to be our own worst enemy,” “now is not the time for divisiveness,” “we may disagree among ourselves,” and “not the country of this or that president.” The President is correct in relating the political crisis to recognizing the deeper problems in our political institutions and the structural strain these institutions have experienced in trying (and failing) to respond to the needs of the people. However, beyond the SONA, she still has to be made accountable for her actions in the past that served to worsen this strain. The President should openly engage in each manner by which she is to be made accountable for her actions (Truth Commission, impeachment raps), in order for her to affirm the democracy of the very institutions she stands for. Beyond such changes in the political system she proposes, is the need for the restoration of trust in her as a symbol of authority; which I think can be achieved through undergoing the process of establishing accountability and eventually surmounting it.
To some extent, I agree with the President in prompting the Congress to undergo a Charter change. Whether a change is successfully made or not, there is a continuing need to undergo the process of reassessing the Charter to see if certain laws are no longer applicable to the present context and to the needs of the people. As the Ateneo’s “Reflection on the CBCP Statement” says, there is a need to reform weak parts of the Constitution. A Charter change may very well potentially hold the answer to the changing needs of our society. In all correctness, the CBCP statement rejects quick-fixes that cater to partisan or selfish agenda. In light of the political crisis, could this proposal for a Charter change be seen as yet another “quick-fix” in order to shift attention away from the President’s crisis? If so, then such a political agenda, drawn up for short term selfish purposes, will not be able to achieve concrete reforms.
If the Congress decides to go ahead with the Charter change, then quite possibly, the members of the Senate and the House of Representatives might have their hands full in case they decide to handle both the Charter change and the impeachment raps. Such circumstances might compromise one or the other. In any case, this might produce what the Ateneo Reflection calls a “stalemate in the current crisis that could in the end bring about greater polarization and violence.” The President, in introducing the need for a Charter change should guard against the aggravation of the grievances of parties concerned. But because proceedings, such as the three readings required in the passing of bills in the House or in the Senate are often tedious, there is a need to make sure that the people are informed about the progress being made so as to avoid the application of extra-constitutional solutions such as force or violence.
As the Chief Legislator, the President has every right to initiate legislation. This was especially seen when she summoned for a Charter Change and hinted upon the direction she wanted it to take. Because the decision is not up to her, many political figures and experts have expressed their disagreement towards her proposed changes to the Charter. Questions related to “Is the federal and parliamentary system right for the country?” have been resurrected. Also, the current political atmosphere raises the question of “Is this the right time for a change in the political system?” Expectantly, a heated debate will ensue among the figures in the political arena as to exactly what changes in the Charter need to be implemented. A number of Charter change options for action will emerge from the different sectors of society. Eventually, the crisis in the President’s leadership will become intertwined with the Charter change dilemma and will result to the increasing instability of the political situation in our country.
Hence, the way to go about the conflict of options is to go back to the very foundation of Political Science. As something which concerns the whole country and is essentially relational, the key is to reduce the disorder of conflicting ideas by properly representing all concerned parties in open and genuine dialogue. Fittingly reapplied, Ateneo’s Reflection on the CBCP Statement calls for “accept[ing] humbly that we cannot see everything. But we also know that we are being called together as a community, to transcend our perspectives, and to recognize one another’s political gifts and contributions.” Also, political science as a science implies the need for careful research, study, planning, and discernment in order to arrive at the proper analysis or assessment and in this case, decision. Each proposed system or option must be carefully studied and must be consistent with the most pressing needs of the country.
Coupled with this strong sense of political discernment is the need for a prayerful discernment at times when the answer to our problems at large continues to elude us. A time of crisis creates conditions for one to go beyond the limits of experience and surrender to a God who has all the answers. When one has exhausted all of his or her faculties in trying to determine the best political option, the best option would then seem to be to surrender everything and trust in God’s plan. After all, despite our differences, and as the President has so adamantly mentioned in her speech, we are all yearning for the Lord’s healing of our nation.
Plan A for Academic
Listening to: Jem - Just a Ride (OC Mix Soundtrack)
I did a paper for Pol Sci 100 on the Gloriagate scandal during the earlier stages of the issue, when the wiretapped tapes had just been exposed. Because I have ABSOLUTELY NO MORE FREE TIME (thanks to OR, Stat and finance), I am forced to post academic papers just for the sake of updating this stagnating blog. Haha. How sad. Who knows, maybe people will appreciate this publishing of articles impregnated with powerful insights. Haha! Kidding! Powerful insights? Maybe not. But I had enough insights to get me a 10 over 10 for this paper. Yahoo!
The surfacing of wiretapped conversations between President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and former Comelec Commissioner Virgilio Garcillano allegedly implicates her in fraud during the 2004 Presidential Elections. Lately, this scandal has made waves in the Arroyo administration and has rocked the country. Numerous pro-administration and anti-administration rallies are underway. Lawmakers and government officials engage in heated debates over the credibility of the voice recordings. Members of the opposition have called for Arroyo to step down from the presidency. Despite the country being almost divided by the issue, the President has remained silent on the controversy.
From the different groups brought together by this controversy: the administration, the opposition, media, lawmakers, and the general public; it is easy to see what Dahl refers to as “persisting patterns of human relations.” These groups with contending interests seek to somehow reconcile their differences through relational behaviors such as power, control, authority and manipulation.
Legitimacy is one of the key elements that this scandal brings into question. First of all, because legitimacy comes from the people, then the widespread media attention makes sure that information is brought to the public. From there, the public is now capable of forming their perceptions from the issue. If the public believes that the President does not deserve to be in that position because she earned it through dishonorable means, then her continued legitimacy is put to a halt as the people voice out their concerns through public statements and rallies. If in time, the allegations that are hurled against her are proven to be true, then her legitimacy is destroyed. If she continues to remain in power despite this, there is a big chance that the people, from whom the legitimacy should come from, will stage an uprising against her. Not only does the scandal stop Arroyo from maintaining her legitimacy, it also questions the correctness of how she earned the legitimacy in the first place.
Many pro-administration officials speculate that the wiretapped conversations were fabricated and are all part of a plot to destabilize the government. As explained above, the groups behind this are aiming to attack the legitimacy of the President in office. After focusing attention on the effects of this destabilization plot on legitimacy, it follows to inquire about who these people behind these destabilization schemes are and how powerful they must be to be able to carry it out.
Reports speculate that the opposition groups that are responsible for the plot are the supporters of deposed former President Joseph Estrada and the late Fernando Poe Jr. Whoever the perpetrators are, it would be reasonable to assume that most likely they do not hold any positions in government. Their boldness to go against an institution as powerful as the government, to which the President belongs, is an illustration of the raw and enormous power of these anti-administration groups. Because these groups have not yet been identified, it is hard to characterize the source of their power. However, through the scandal, they are obviously powerful enough to potentially direct the destiny of a nation out of the hands of the current administration. They are also powerful enough to make people go to rallies or do things about their opinions that are not necessarily justified or which they did not necessarily form themselves. They use their power to achieve what they want, be it the desire to uphold the truth for a legitimate government or the selfish desire for more power.
